Blog: Parenting Teens as seen in Fairfield Patch
Trevor Crow, LMFT
Talking to Our Teens
I recently interviewed the psychologist, Anthony Wolf, PhD on my radio show Keeping Connected with Trevor Crow and WDJZ on 1530 AM. He has written a terrific book, I’d Listen to My Parents If They’d Just Shut Up, What to Say and Not To Say When Parenting Teens. What struck me about this book was how much I needed to change!
We often complain that our teens are obstreperous; they don’t listen and will NOT, for all the tea in China, take the garbage out. I hear friends and clients say “I would never have talked back to my parents like my kids do”. Dr Wolf points out in his book, kids aren’t afraid of us the way we were of our parents.
This is a good thing. We don’t hit our kids, or throw them across the room as my client said his dad did to him so many years ago. We should be so happy that our kids are not afraid of us. Yet, how do we get them to listen to us?
After reading Dr Wolf’s book I realized I was doing so many things wrong. Once I became aware of the way I spoke to them (I have a 12 ½ and 15 year old), telling them to do something the minute they walked in the door. Or, lecturing them if they brought up a scary or difficult topic, no wonder they tune me out!
I have to change what I do to reconnect with them. Ask first how they are doing, listen and comment with empathy and understanding. Don’t ask for dog walking, or garbage hauling the moment they arrive home. I discovered that once I was less demanding, more attuned and connected, they are more willing to help around the house.
Being a teen is not easy. Being a parent of a teen is even harder. As difficult as it is, to slow down, listen, and hear what is happening in their lives, without judging, without a fearful reaction from us, we can help them on their journey. We can connect and hear them, making them feel honored and loved. As hard as it is to imagine, they need us at this high growth time in their lives as ever before. Creating a safe haven for them at home, where they feel safe to be themselves, they are loved and accepted, our teens will thrive out in the world.
Reminding ourselves to feel joy in their presence even when they drive us crazy!
If you want to hear the show with Dr Wolf, go to www.TrevorCrow.comand find the show under “hear shows”
2012, January 12 , Trevor Crow, LMFT on radio show The Let's Talk Mom with Bianca and Philip Tyler
theletstalkmom.com/the-radio-show/
Guests Marriage and relationship therapist, Trevor Crow, talks about how we, as humans, are actually wired to be together;
Topics Covered Phillip’s the top story with milestone birthday; I’m just working on holiday cards now; All the birthdays, holidays and surprise party – all in 10 days; I gave myself a pardon – advice from my friend who has 10 children; Constant dinner, I’m done, done, done; Trevor says we are so in synch, lovely rhythm, hold eye contact and in tune; We are wired to be together, heartbeats synchs up; Love is the antidote to depression; We synch-up in our dreams; What attachment styles are; What makes a happy marriage; Matchmaking; Chiropractor nagging story, “I really care for you;” Clicking his fingernails; Why some couples just can’t get along; Being vulnerable and authentic; Therapist says, “Come in before the relationship is off the tracks;” Why do some people feel alone when they are in a relationship; Living like roommates and start living parallel lives; We have each other’s back and protect one another, caring about each other;
2012, January 18, Fairfield Patch Blog: Divorced Dads: An Open Letter
Trevor Crow, LMFT
Divorced Dads: An Open Letter
Most divorced dads here in Fairfield County, CT have their children for a couple of days a week max. A few divorced dads I have talked to have their kids 50% of the time. This is a good and growing trend that will keep the family better connected and healthier emotionally. Power to you 50% dads!
My blog today is really aimed at the majority of divorced dads who see their kids at most a couple of days a week or a couple of weekends a month.
It seems I have lately observed a few painful moments from afar where a divorced dad is out to dinner with his kids and everyone is clearly uncomfortable. The kids are quiet and the dad is awkward. Even from across the room, I feel the emotional distance and the problems at the table!
This is an open letter to all divorced dads: please make an effort. You are the one that needs to reach out, connect with your kids. Get to know each one. Separately. Spend time with your kids talking, walking, doing what they want to do.
If your child wants to do something you dislike doing, do it anyway. Make and effort and experience the activity from your child’s perspective. Find the joy in the moment and the joy in parenting your child. Every child wants to feel that their very existence is pleasurable to their parents.
Make it a priority to create closeness and connection with your kids. You will not go to your deathbed thinking you wished you had gone to more work event, you will wish you had seen more swim meets and gone to more school conferences.
Being there for your child is the very best thing you can do with your time. Nothing is more important.
Find a way to connect. Your child needs you to know him/her. Your child needs to feel a strong bond, to feel that you have his/her back and that you care.
My guess is that you will get just as much out of your closer emotional connection as your child.
2012, January 2, A Therapist's New Year's Resolutions from Fairfield Patch
A therapist's New Years Resolutions:
- Stop bullying yourself. We all are tougher on ourselves than anyone else.
- Be kind to your self. Balance your intentions. Work out, but don't hurt yourself. Be careful of what you eat but don't deprive yourself either.
- Receive love. Many of us give love and have a difficult time taking it in and trusting love. Open your heart. Being in love is risking being vulnerable, but love means being known. Being known means feeling connected and safe. Love is a paradox worth taking.
- Stop blaming others. If you want to create change, assess the situation and figure out what you can do to change first.
- View yourself as a survivor not as a victim. We have all experienced adversity. Survivors feel empowered. Victims feel stuck.
- View failures and mistakes as grand ways to learn. My yoga teacher tells me "the floor is not that far away".. We can always get up, shake off failure and move on having learned valuable information.
- Do one thing everyday that is out of your comfort zone. This makes life thrilling and keeps things fresh.
- Be loving to others. Spread positive energy around, the universe needs more love.
- Be sure to complete important projects. The sense of accomplishment is wonderfully empowering.
- If you are in a securely attached relationship, be sure to tell your partner how much you appreciate him/her as often as possible.
Fairfield Patch article December 8th, 2011, Southport Smartie Helps Couples Stay Connected
Southport Smartie Helps Couples Stay Connected
Trevor Crow is a leading local voice in marriage and family therapy.
Southporter Trevor Crow, best known as a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice and the host of a radio talk show titled "Keeping Connected with Trevor Crow," has seen an uptick in couples' crises on the local level, which she attributes to economic hard times and the resulting pressure families are under right now.
"It's incredibly difficult for families and couples to manage their fear and anxiety and not turn against each other," she said in a recent sit-down with Patch. "The result is a lot of divorce, a lot of affairs and a lot of stress in marriage. My approach is to get couples to recognize the issues and their own deep feelings. Often, men are reluctant to voice their fears, particularly to their partners, and women get even more afraid because they don’t want to hear it. It’s critical for couples to connect and mutually discuss their deeper feelings, and soothe each other."
Crow holds a Bachelor of Arts Degree from Wellesley College, a Bachelor of Science Degree from Parsons School of Design, an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School and a Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy from Fairfield University. She is also certified in emotionally focused therapy and a supervisor-in-training in same, with a designation to teach other Master’s candidates. In addition, she serves on the advisory board for the Marriage and Family Therapy Master’s program at Fairfield University, sits on the board at Pequot Library and is a single mother of two children, Duncan and Olivia, who 12 and 15, respectively.
It’s a full plate, to be sure, but her career and family are her passion. "I became interested in my field because of a former husband and my role as stepmom to his three children," she related, "including Michelle Crow, my 22-year-old ex-stepdaughter, who resides with me often and plays a big role in the lives of my biological children.
"I knew there were a lot of issues around step-parenting and started reading about it," she continued. "When I had my own kids, I became even more interested in parenting and relationships.”
As a result, she went back to school to get credentialed and started her practice in Southport in 2006. The radio show followed in September 2010. "I felt there’s a lot of good news about relationships, strategies to manage them and ways to understand each other better."
Now, through her practice and show, she wants to put out a message that there's hope and the possibility for healing. "Deep down, every one of us is yearning to be known, understood and have a feeling of belonging, to be heard," she said. "That's what successful couples do for each other."
You can catch Trevor Crow’s "Keeping Connected" radio talk show every Tuesday at 10 a.m. live (re-broadcast at 8 p.m.) on WDJZ 1530 AM. For more information, visit www.djzradio.com To call in, dial 203-367-4395. You can also visit Crow’s own website www.trevorcrow.com, connect to her blog through her website or find her on Twitter at trevorcrowlmft.
About this column: Stories about interesting Fairfield folk. Do you know someone whose story should be told? Email This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. to nominate a Person Worth Knowing!
Fairfield Patch Article August 23rd 2011
Local Radio Host Connects with Teens in Pinkberry Broadcast
Trevor Crows discusses the issues in Aug. 23 sidewalk chat
There are two things that rank as favorite activities amongst local teenaged young ladies: hanging out at Pinkberry and chatting about their day-to-day issues. Through a collaboration between the very popular downtown Fairfield frozen yogurt destination, radio stations WSTC 1400 and WNLK 1350 and Southport-based radio talk show host Trevor Crow, that perfect combo materialized Tuesday night August 23rd.
Set up on the sidewalk in front of Pinkberry’s 1512 Post Road shop, Crow, the host of “Keeping Connected”, engaged teens on the phone, by email, via text and live, encouraging them to talk about everything on their minds today. This included Facebook and Twitter, the do’s and don’ts of social media, how to behave toward your friends online and off, the effects of cyberbullying, sexting and any related topics.
The mother of a 14- and 11-year-old, Crow hoped frank conversation would encourage a dialogue, not just between teens and their friends, but between teens and their parents. She also hoped to spur some new ideas, tips and/or solutions as related to the life of today’s teenager.
Becca Glass, 14, of Fairfield, was one of the first teens Crow spoke with live. Glass and her friends Eva Mullineaux, 12, from Redding, and Olivia Crow, 14, from Southport, joined Crow together for a cross-dialogue. “Trevor asked us if it was ok for teens to break up with each other through a text message,” reported Glass, as she stepped away from the table at which Crow was seated, and past the audio tech manning controls. “We said it was a bad idea. That message is permanent and can be shared throughout the school. It’s embarrassing for both parties because it’s very personal.”
Glass said the foursome also spoke about parents monitoring kids’ Facebook pages. “In my opinion, a parent will never be able to fully prevent a kid from getting a Facebook page because they can access it through friends,” she said. “It depends on the relationship you have with your parents. For me, Facebook is kind of personal in many ways. I think my parents should trust me on Facebook.”
Mullineaux said she didn’t mind personally if her parents looked through her page. “They have my password, and I am friends with them and with their friends. I’m sure it might change when I’m older though,” she remarked.
As thrilling as it was for teens to be interviewed on the air, it was equally special for Crow. “This is the first time I’ve done a panel,” she confessed. “Usually, my interviews are one-on-one and never on the street. I like the immediacy of the format as it goes off script, which can be a fun challenge. You get to see what the kids are feeling in real-time, and some of the real issues with which they are struggling. We parents can get caught up in our own stuff and sometimes it’s hard to oversee our kids and totally be aware of what’s happening in their lives.”
Crow had certainly created an exciting presence on the Post Road. Besides large banners promoting her show and the radio stations, there were free Pinkberry bracelets being offered from branded containers and postcards advertising her show, which airs every Tuesday at 8 p.m. Her program predominantly answers relationship questions, which she is more than qualified to discuss as a licensed marriage and family therapist as well as a certified emotionally focused therapist.
Another interviewee was Amanda Fitzburgh, 14, of Fairfield, participating with her pal Allie O’Connell, also 14 and from Fairfield. “Trevor asked us what we thought of teens posting and sending inappropriate photos of themselves by cell phone, Facebook, etc.,” said Fitzburgh. “I said it was a bad idea as the pictures will follow you. They may hold you back from getting into college or a good job.”
O’Connell mentioned that Crow asked them how one can tell if a photo is appropriate or not. “I said you can tell if you’re not embarrassed by it 10 years down the road or if you could show it to your parents,” she shared. “We also spoke to a girl, now in college, on the phone who was a victim of cyberbullying when she was in high school. We learned to feel comfortable talking to a parent or teacher or other adult if it’s happening to you. The girl, Nicole, spoke to her parents and ended up deleting her Facebook account. Nicole’s mom ultimately wrote a book on the subject, which is now a leading guide about cyberbullying. Strategies we learned are to talk to an adult to see if you’re handling things the right way.”
At one point during the broadcast, a fire engine -- lights going and sirens wailing – went zooming up the Post Road. “That’s the exciting part of broadcasting live on the street,” Crow joked to listeners, while flashing a smile to Pinkberry patrons looking on, who grinned along with her.
For more information about Trevor Crow, please visit www.trevorcrow.com
Christmas and Couples
Christmas is a wonderful and difficult time of year, especially for couples. We want to feel loved and appreciated but at this super-family oriented moment many of us feel stressed, distant and alone in our marriages and relationships.
The Holidays are a massive time drain: there are work events, family dinners, presents to buy and money to worry about. As a couple, we may individually feel the anxiety about getting all the right presents, going to all the events, or can we actively reach for one another and do it together.
By together, I mean as a team, sharing our worries and anxieties, being vulnerable with one another and showing our true selves.
When we feel understood by our partner, and fully known, we feel comforted and safe. This is the best gift we can possibly give to our significant other.
By slowing down, checking in and listening and feeling what our partner is experiencing is the key to a good relationship. A healthy relationship is about being known, seen, heard and cherished by our loved one. This felt sense of knowing one another is crucial to passion and good sex.
So for Christmas, I wish for you all who are in relationships, mutual attunement, passion and the gift of great love and good sex!
Warmly,
Trevor Crow, LMFT
Relationship Tips: Attunement
We all know how hard it is to stay "in love" with our partner. So many of my couples come in after years of being together and saying "I love him/her but am not IN love with him/her". This is so painful for me to hear and to observe in couples.
It means there is lots of loneliness and distance for both people, this is of course only one of the reasons why couples seek me out.
Usually couples come in after a BIG CRISIS, but I will write more about that later.
Today I want to give you all a tip! If you are in a relationship of any kind: be attuned. That means check in with your partner. Really ask, "how are you?" and mean it. Take the time to slow down and listen.
Empathize with your partner's experience, attunement means, connecting and sharing your partner's internal world.
Spend time understanding and feeling what your partner is feeling. We are most connected when we have the felt sense of being in our partner's heart and mind.
This is the sweet spot: when we feel known, understood, not judged or criticized, we feel held, safe and much more connected to our loved ones.
That is when we feel "IN love" with each other. And the sex really does get better too!
So, today, take 10 minutes to connect with your partner, softly, with heart, and open mindedness, you might find greater understanding and parts of your partner you weren't aware of.. Newness, vulnerability and closeness that you didn't expect!
The Toughest but Most Important Relationship Skill: Non-Defensive Listening
The Toughest but Most Important Relationship Skill: Non-Defensive Listening
Trevor Crow, LMFT, 8/17/11
Most of us struggle with our relationships from time to time. Out of the blue it seems we get into fights with our partner that make us feel frustrated and disconnected from one another. As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I talk to couples trying to understand how they get to that distant feeling like two fighters sitting in opposite corners of a ring.
One of the biggest places we loose connection with each other during a fight is when our defenses rise up and block us from hearing what our partner is saying. That block, or feeling that we are under attack, either signals us to fight back or to shut down or to flee.
Our defense systems are set up to protect us, usually a habit we created in childhood to keep us safe from a critical, unsafe parent or situation. Many of us have a defense style that fights back like “the best defense is offense”. If we feel we are attacked for not doing something right, we hit back hard in order to feel safe. Some of us have a defense system that shuts us down, rendering us speechless, to “play dead” or to run away. These defense styles are called fight or flight or freeze. They are natural and keyed into our DNA by thousands of years of evolution.
When attacked, our bodies go into a sympathetic nervous system overdrive: our stress hormones go up, cortisol, adrenaline increase rapidly while our heart beat and blood pressure is elevated. In every fight, both partners, the fighters and freezers all feel the same nervous system overload.
It is understandable when we are so triggered that it is so hard to slow down and hear what our partner is saying. What I teach my couples is to take a deep calming breath, (getting the parasympathetic nervous system going), slowing the heart beat down and turning on their non- defensive listening skills.
Non-defensive listening is exactly that: mustering all of our listening skills, present focus, and open heart and non-judging stance and truly listening to our partner. Sometimes we will hear something we had no idea was there, maybe our partner is afraid, ashamed, lonely, or, he or she needs to be heard fully and lovingly.
When we are there for our partner, truly engaged, attuned and listening and allowing our partner to be entirely who they are, that is when we are connected. Attunement or the ability to feel our partner’s mood, presence and person is where we come together and feel loved. Attunement is the antidote to the feeling of two fighters in the ring at opposite corners, fully connected and having the felt sense that our partner is there for us and vice versa.
Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight
Sue Johnson's wonderful book and workshops help couples reconnect, share, bond and understand each other in a deeper more profound way. We need to build trust, through attunement, responsiveness and expressiveness.
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