Blog: Parenting Teens as seen in Fairfield Patch
Trevor Crow, LMFT
Talking to Our Teens
I recently interviewed the psychologist, Anthony Wolf, PhD on my radio show Keeping Connected with Trevor Crow and WDJZ on 1530 AM. He has written a terrific book, I’d Listen to My Parents If They’d Just Shut Up, What to Say and Not To Say When Parenting Teens. What struck me about this book was how much I needed to change!
We often complain that our teens are obstreperous; they don’t listen and will NOT, for all the tea in China, take the garbage out. I hear friends and clients say “I would never have talked back to my parents like my kids do”. Dr Wolf points out in his book, kids aren’t afraid of us the way we were of our parents.
This is a good thing. We don’t hit our kids, or throw them across the room as my client said his dad did to him so many years ago. We should be so happy that our kids are not afraid of us. Yet, how do we get them to listen to us?
After reading Dr Wolf’s book I realized I was doing so many things wrong. Once I became aware of the way I spoke to them (I have a 12 ½ and 15 year old), telling them to do something the minute they walked in the door. Or, lecturing them if they brought up a scary or difficult topic, no wonder they tune me out!
I have to change what I do to reconnect with them. Ask first how they are doing, listen and comment with empathy and understanding. Don’t ask for dog walking, or garbage hauling the moment they arrive home. I discovered that once I was less demanding, more attuned and connected, they are more willing to help around the house.
Being a teen is not easy. Being a parent of a teen is even harder. As difficult as it is, to slow down, listen, and hear what is happening in their lives, without judging, without a fearful reaction from us, we can help them on their journey. We can connect and hear them, making them feel honored and loved. As hard as it is to imagine, they need us at this high growth time in their lives as ever before. Creating a safe haven for them at home, where they feel safe to be themselves, they are loved and accepted, our teens will thrive out in the world.
Reminding ourselves to feel joy in their presence even when they drive us crazy!
If you want to hear the show with Dr Wolf, go to www.TrevorCrow.comand find the show under “hear shows”
